EXHALING

The first month of the new year, 2021, is almost over and I have spent it exhaling. I didn`t realise that my days were characterised by this long, slow expulsion of breath until I stopped to watch President Elect Jo Biden and Vice President elect Kamala Harris stand in the dawn before the reflecting pool in Washington DC, taking a minutes silence for the more than 400, 000 American lives lost in the pandemic. Their actions were simple, and respectful and as I watched them, the tears fell and I became conscious that I was exhaling. My breath kept coming from some deep place for a very long time. I am not given to investing leaders with magical powers to save us from ourselves but I find myself relieved that adults were again in charge in America.

I have also been enjoying my garden, the COVID 2020 project which has contained ( literally) so many of my small and large anxieties during the past year. Building it gave me focus , motivation and tasks. The crowning glory of my garden was a solar powered fountain which promised spectacular flows. Unfortunately, it has been spurting small sad drops of water since it was installed in its large water bowl, not at all like the marvellous sprays I had envisioned when buying it. I loved the fountains of the Alhambra in Granada and my vision was of course, grand, and melodious. I guess $16.95 from an obscure Chinese eBay site was never going to give me the Alhambra but I hoped. And yesterday I was rewarded by a huge water spout , musically dropping into flower filled water. As i sat in my garden seat fully appreciating this miracle ( actually, exposure to more sun ), I could feel the big exhale happening again. I felt a letting go of my own small mindedness and unrealistic expectations and a whole bunch of other psychological garbage tied up with making something happen. And I felt joy. I do love the sound of falling water.

This month I also finished the Phoenix. The Phoenix is a tapestry of the bird rising from the ashes , begun as gift for someone who had lived the parable. It has been very delayed by border closures and complexity. I tend not to do tapestry in summer as wool and heat are not great companions but in this humid funny season, I have worked at the bird and completed it, unscathed by sweaty fingers. When I put the last stitch in, the breath began to flow outward and I could feel the winds of change for the person it will be gifted too. Like all change it will be a mixed blessing, but the outward breath is a deeply satisfying thing.

I felt its power when I returned to the Hydrotherapy pool which has been a fixture in my life since I broke my leg, five years ago. I had forsaken it for most of 2020 when it was either closed or I was not confident of mixing it with numerous other seniors in a small damp space.

On my first day back, as I climbed into the warm water, that great exhale came from my whole body. It is a pleasure to be back.

I am still however holding some of my breath although I am much more mindful of it now. I think I am holding my covid concern in my body until I can trust that the vaccines or whatever force, will allow me to return to the ease of closeness which I had in the past. Until then, I will look to the Phoenix for all sorts of inspiration and take my breath releases where I can.